She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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