I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
