i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
