she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
