Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
