I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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