I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize