lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
