we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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