I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
