Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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