my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
