am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
