just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
