I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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