Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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