I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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