Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
