Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
COCAINE IS GR8
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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