I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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