just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
