you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
