I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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