Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
