He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
