i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He felt like a one man threesome
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize