the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
