I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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