so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
