Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
