when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
