If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it hurts more in the daytime
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
