it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is the high leading the old right now
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
