Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
