Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
