TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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