It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
