True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
