the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
