I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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