I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
