Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
