apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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