I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
