Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
