i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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