Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
