She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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