woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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