How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
