I got chris browned last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
