He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
