Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
