It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize