I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The best revenge is premature balding
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
