I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
