Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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