I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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