theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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