So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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