I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize